saudade
by aetherling
Summary: In which a post-Twitch Plays Pokemon Red loses all memory of himself and wakes up in Kalos. Many years after his championship, Green studies abroad in Kalos and runs into a familiar face. Namelesshipping (Red/Green)
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: saudade

**Author**: aetherling

**Fandom**: Twitch Plays Pokemon + Pokemon gameverse

**Rating**: PG

**Characters/Pairings**: Red/Green

**Summary**: In which post-TPP Red loses all memory of himself and wakes up in Kalos. Many years after his championship, Green studies abroad in Kalos and runs into a familiar face.

**Warnings**: Much, _much_ later on, there will be spoilers for X/Y's plot.

**Disclaimer**: For the sake of fiction, the following is not an accurate representation of medical conditions/hospital protocol. I did my best with research but as with all stories, some suspension of disbelief is needed.

**Author's Note**: Extensive knowledge of TPP lore is not required. If all you know is "thousands of people on the internet played Pokemon Red and started worshipping a fossil", you're good. If you didn't, now you know.

This fic hasn't been beta'd, so apologies for typos I've missed. Also Green is going to take his time showing up. Grab popcorn or something.

saudade

1.

He doesn't really notice the girl at first. She was always hidden within the folds of her mother's dress, looking down at the ground, silent and unassuming.

They come in once a week. The mother always looks tired when they leave.

That's as much as he knows.

* * *

They visit more often nowadays. Sometimes two days in a row. Sometimes with more people. They talk all at once to the mother in an unfamiliar language and he has to leave the room. His head hurts. He doesn't know why.

The girl looks up as he's leaving and catches his eye.

She says nothing. Neither does he.

Some time later, he realizes he understands the conversations held between the girl and her mother. But only when they're alone. The mother asks how school was, and the girl answers under her breath.

"Horrible."

The mother purses her lips and says nothing.

* * *

He asks his nurse, "Who is that family? They come here everyday."

The nurse, unfamiliar with his language, tries her best to answer. "Mom and Dad is famous Pokemon trainers. One daughter, 12 years old. Come all the way from Vaniville Town. Dad have problem, stay in hospital."

At his request, she handed him a tourist map. "Vaniville here," she says, pointing to a town in the southernmost region. "And we here," her finger trails up until it lands on a large city in the very center of the map.

"South Central Luminose Hospital."

* * *

"Hi," he says one day to the girl. "Um, I see you a lot." He's not sure how to start a conversation, but he's certain he's doing it wrong already.

The look she gives him confirms his suspicions.

"Do I know you?"

"Oh, um, no," he says. Now what? He's already frustrated with his inability to say the right thing and it's only 10 in the morning.

"Why aren't you speaking French? Everyone in Kalos speaks French."

"I don't know how." He gives a self-deprecating laugh. "Do you mind teaching me?"

She stares at him for a while, and he can't meet her eyes. He looks at her mouth instead, her lips pursed just like her mother's.

Then all of a sudden she says, "_Je m'appelle Serena._"

"Come again?"

"Just repeat after me."

"Je m'appelle Serena," he tries. The words feel so unfamiliar on his tongue.

"No, Serena is my name. Say it with your name," she says, breaking out into a smile. He's suddenly delighted and excited; he's never made anyone smile before. But his happiness dissipates just as quickly when he realizes, and he shakes his head.

"I don't know my name."

He laughs again. It doesn't make anything better.

* * *

Serena comes to the hospital almost daily now. The nurse says her father's condition is getting worse. Her mother walks in tight-lipped with bags under her eyes.

But Serena does not talk about her father.

"Still don't remember your name yet?" she asks him.

"No."

He hates feeling this way, being unable to recall something as simple as his own name. Sometimes he will wander into the courtyard, and he'll sit in between the green bushes with little red buds, but no matter how hard he concentrates -

Nothing.

"What about where you came from?"

Last visit she brought a map along, bigger and fancier than the one from the nurse. He knew it was the map of the world, and at least he could identify major countries.

He just doesn't know where his home is.

"Maybe you came from mommy's hometown," she said. "We speak the same language, after all."

She put her finger over a region called Sinnoh, but then she added, "But lots of other places speak the same thing." Her finger pointed to Johto, Kanto, Hoenn, and many more. "And lots of people speak it in different countries as a second language. They talk funny though."

"Anything come up?" she asked him. He had shook his head. It didn't matter who was asking - the doctors, the nurses, the hospital staff, Serena - it's always the same answer he's given since he woke up in the hospital.

But they don't always talk about him. Serena talks a lot about herself - about school, how boring it is and how she'd rather be playing with Pokemon, and about her summers as a research assistant in Luminose, and how she gets to do cool stuff with Pokemon when she's there, and even how unbearable the heat can be sometimes but it's still worth every minute.

He likes listening to her ramblings ("One time, I followed a Combee, and it flew up a tree, and it landed on a flower, and it landed on another flower, and it landed on another flower…") because he likes to think maybe he had a childhood like hers.

Then there are some days he thinks he's trying to not remember.

The nurse once mentioned, traumatic memories can be subconsciously repressed as a coping mechanism for the brain.

He doesn't want to remember bad memories but he still wants to remember.

He still wants to know even if he doesn't want to know.

It is a complicated feeling.

Explaining all that to Serena was definitely out of the question.

* * *

He asks his nurse where she thinks he came from. "Not here," she says obviously.

Before he's put through another CT scan, she adds, "But they find you in ocean."

* * *

The courtyard flowers have finally bloomed and Ledyba began to swarm the bushes. The muscles in his right hand itched to move but he's not sure what he wants to do.

He touches his face.

He touches his waist.

He grabs at air.

Nothing happens.

* * *

Serena's mother comes in with red puffy eyes and a nice dress. Serena is dressed nicely too. They stay in her father's room for a very long time.

"They say goodbye," the nurse told him.

He wonders if he too, left behind a family.

He wonders if they grieved for him.

Still, nothing comes to mind.

* * *

The day starts off warmer than usual but he feels fine otherwise. Right after lunch he's walking to the courtyard when he collapses in the hallway.

When his temperature won't stop climbing, they wheel him into the emergency room and connect him with so many tubes and monitoring devices that in his delirium, he believes he's more machine than man.

Everyone's speaking all at once. The words "hospital-acquired infection" are tossed around a lot.

His head is pounding again, harder than ever.

The heat makes everything ten times worse.

He's given more injections than he can count in his current state of mind.

Letters rush by so fast; he can't make any sense of them.

He can't see color anymore.

He can only feel his body burn.

_I am fire_, he thinks, before his vision completely fades.

* * *

It takes him longer after regaining consciousness to become aware of his surroundings. He was no longer in the emergency room, but in the recovery ward. On the table to his right, his official medical records lay open with writing everywhere, save for the box for his name. But on his hospital wristband, someone wrote "Felix?" in rushed letters.

"What happened? How did I get this?" He holds up his wrist. The nurse approaches him cautiously.

"You kept screaming. Is hard to understand. Doctor think he heard name."

"Felix?" He read aloud.

It was indeed a name. It just didn't feel like it was his.

"Means 'lucky'. Lucky you live." The nurse shrugs. "Maybe is not your real name. But better than nothing, no?"

Better than nothing.

He decides he will try being Felix for now.

"What else did I say?"

"Mostly screaming, very hard to understand." She shakes her head, and he sees how worn her face looks. Immediately he feels bad for not being more aware of his nurse's own condition, and he's wondering how to politely dismiss her when she continues.

"We try to keep you alive, we did not pay attention. You made no sense. Later we not sure if you keep saying 'Lord Felix' or 'Lord Helix'. But we write 'Felix' down for you."

He lets her exit the room.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

He doesn't expect visitors, save those from the nurses or the neurologist, so he's momentarily stunned to see Serena walk in through the door.

"Hello," she says uncertainly. "Is this a good time for me to visit?"

"Of course!" He feels light and bubbly inside, knowing that someone's been thinking about him. He's probably wearing the silliest smile on his face. But he looks at Serena carefully, noticing the dullness in her hair and the grief in her eyes.

The hospital probably reminds her of her father's last days, he thinks.

He asks softly, "How have you been?"

She purses her lips in the way she always does and sighs. "Dunno. Fine, I guess. It's just that… I wanted to take my mind off things."

"Well…" He's trying to think what's appropriate to talk about to her.

It's unnaturally difficult.

"I've ah, I've started keeping a journal of stuff that I can remember," he blurts out.

"Really?" Her eyes lit up. "What can you remember?"

"Er… it's mostly stuff my nurse told me. And there's hardly anything to see, I've barely filled a page." He opens the pocket notebook and hands it to her.

True to his word, she's able to read everything he's written in one skim.

"Your real name really isn't 'Lord Felix'? Cuz that'd be cool. You'd get to be a lord." She hands the notebook back and grins.

He laughs, relieved that he's made her smile a bit. "I don't feel very...lordy. And wouldn't a missing lord be all over the news?"

"I suppose," she says, and she's all quiet again.

Did he mess up again? And so soon? He struggles to find something else to talk about. _How's school_? he thinks, but dissatisfied muttering and lips drawn in a tight line cross his mind, so he refrains from asking. His eyes dart around the room for inspiration, and stop at the open window.

"It almost feels like summer," he remarks. "Will you be going back to the lab to play with the Pokemon?"

Her nose wrinkle at the mention of "play". "I'm helping with _research_," she says. "And today was my first day as a research assistant."

"Eh? What about…school?"

"Mom said I don't have to go to school anymore." He's having a difficult time comprehending why she doesn't sound too excited about that. "If I wanted to. She said that she wants me to be happy. And she said...Dad would understand." She swallows, concentrating heavily on the corner where bedpost and ground met.

"That's great, isn't it? You finally get to do what you love." He smiles but she doesn't return it, and he quickly wipes it from his face. He's terrified that this conversation is unsalvageable at this point.

"I dunno… It's what I've always wanted, right? Then why…" She sighs a little too heavily for a 12-year-old. "It's just, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Something's not right. I don't know."

She shakes her head and forces a laugh. "I'm not making any sense even to myself. Sorry."

"It's alright."

"No, no, I shouldn't be a bother." She gets up to leave, and he doesn't want her to go, but he can't say anything because he doesn't know how. He can only watch the small ornaments clash together on her bag as she hoists it on her shoulder.

As if she heard his wish, she stops and a thoughtful look crosses her face.

"You should visit," she finally says, scrawling an address in his notebook. "When they let you out of here, come find me, ok? Professor Sycamore loves having visitors too. And I think you'd have a lot of fun playing with the Pokemon. It'll be better than listening to me all day."

"But I like listening to your stories."

"Trust me, having your own stories to tell is better." She smiles as she realizes. "And we can have adventures together! I mean, research together. So you better come, you have to now."

And he can't say no. Not when she's looking at him like that.

He doesn't want to.

He promises her, and she leaves with a lighter step.

He has something to look forward to, and for once, he doesn't agonize too much over remembering his past.

* * *

They finally clear him for release. He's given enough medicine to stock a small pharmacy (painkillers, antibiotics, headache alleviators) and a small novel of instructions before he's allowed to leave, but at last he's free to go. He rereads the address written in his notebook (though he's memorized it by heart already) before exiting the hospital.

He studied a rudimentary amount of French during his lengthy stay, but it takes him half an hour to remember the correct words.

It takes another hour to summon enough courage to ask for directions.

By the time he arrives at a small mansion the sun is already setting. Part of him wonders if it's still an appropriate time to knock on someone's door. To his surprise, the doors automatically open when he steps on the front mat, and he walks in, just like that. He is taken aback by how forward his actions are, entering such a fancy building without announcing - there's rules against that, right?

Then a voice cries, "Felix!" and Serena tackles him into a hug. "It's good to see you!"

When Serena detaches herself from him, he sees she looks much happier, more healthier than when he saw her last. She carries herself with elated steps as she rushes over to a flight of stairs and calls Professor Sycamore down.

* * *

He's invited to stay for "as long as he wants" by Professor Sycamore in the first 5 minutes of their first meeting. He can't stammer his gratitude enough times that he deems satisfactory, but Professor Sycamore just laughs and says to think nothing of it. "It's always nice to have company," he says in a delightful accent. "You are doing _me_ a favor, _mon amie_!"

"Don't feel too bad," Serena tells him late in the night, after they have gotten him all settled down in a nice room on the third floor. (Professor Sycamore had apologized profusely for the "meager furnishings", and he trembled with so much guilt he could have collapsed right there and then.) "You can help with his research tomorrow!"

He sleeps, excited for what the next day will bring.

* * *

Professor Sycamore spends all morning showing him the entire lab, introducing him to different scientists and explaining in exhaustive detail what each of their research projects entailed. He was incredibly overwhelmed, but also incredibly fascinated. Whereas Serena left in the middle of Professor Sycamore's tour for "a small snack", he remained committed to helping around the lab despite the information overload.

Professor Sycamore sighs in light-hearted defeat and grins. "There's no stopping you is there?"

* * *

He's given the incredibly important duty of playing with the Pokemon in the backyard.

He's initially a little disappointed in the non-vital nature of his task, but when Serena releases three Pokemon from their Pokeballs his disappointment immediately gives way to excitement.

"Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle!" he blurts aloud. Unable to contain his childlike intrigue, he reaches out to touch them, but they all shrink away from his hand.

"You're scaring them," Serena explains. "Give them some distance. Let _them _approach you first."

"Ah, right." Of course he knew that. He's not sure how he knows, but he definitely knows. He crouches down, stretches his hand out and patiently waits, avoiding direct eye contact with any of them. It's all done automatically, almost naturally. He's done this before, he knows it, and makes a mental note to log this into his journal later.

The first thing he feels is a warm nose gingerly sniffing his outstretched fingers. It must be the Charmander. He ventures a tentative pat on its head, and the Charmander pushes back, rubbing its head against his hand affectionately. The Charmander is warm and soft to the touch, and a welcoming feeling blooms throughout his entire body.

A very familiar feeling.

When all the Pokemon have been sufficiently played with and completely tuckered out, he dwells on the memory - or rather the impression - of petting a Charmander. He must have encountered one in his past. No further details really come to him, he just knows that he's done it before. Where is it now? he wonders idly.

The possibility that he owned one briefly crosses his mind. It breaks a mental dam he never knew existed, and wave after wave of unpleasant thoughts assault his thoughts.

If he really did have a Charmander...

Best case scenario, it's still in a Pokeball, untouched. But safe. And lonely. Perhaps thinking its owner has abandoned it for good.

But what if he left it behind, cold and hungry, trapped somewhere? Dead from neglect, never to see its owner again?

An owner who let that happen...

The icy grip on his guts is too much to handle, and a headache is starting to brew. He excuses himself from dinner early to curl up in a ball in his room.

* * *

It takes a while, but eventually Professor Sycamore relents and gives him more tasks. They're small, but they make him feel useful, and the smile Professor Sycamore gives him when he's finished is worth ten-fold. He also helps the other scientists with this and that, and soon enough he's running around the lab, just as busy as Serena.

He spends most of his free time with Serena and the lab Pokemon. They're allowed to take them into a park across the street, and the Pokemon play and run around in the grass, prompting a light-hearted chase around the grove. The months he spent in the hospital left him with barely any stamina or strength, but he pushes on, exhausted but happy.

Sometimes when it gets hot, they'll play water tag (Squirtle's always "it"). When they're tired of playing, they buy ice cream from a street vendor and eat at the park benches until the sun goes down. Then they'll all race each other back to the lab.

Serena jumps down the ledges one by one, followed enthusiastically by Squirtle, then Bulbasaur, then Charmander.

Trepidation always slows him down when it's his turn to jump, and so he's always last to return to the lab.

* * *

When he lets his mind wander, he'll find himself drawing spirals in the dirt.

* * *

Sometimes a tall man with a flaming mass of red hair stops by the lab to see Professor Sycamore. He introduces himself as Lysandre.

This is followed by Professor Sycamore dropping everything he's doing and declaring he's taking the day off.

"Really, you shouldn't - I'm just here to share something I found regarding Mega Evolution - Augustine are you even listening?" Lysandre protests.

"Nonsense, I haven't seen you in ages! We are going to enjoy the weather outside the lab. There's a quaint cafe I really want you to try out, and I need to introduce you to my new assistants! Serena, Felix, we're going out!"

"But - I shouldn't keep you from your research - "

"It'll just be a brief break over coffee, I promise!"

Due to Professor Sycamore's nature, their brief coffee break included exploring Luminose Gym and taking pictures from the top of the tower. Lysandre had long given up on convincing Sycamore to return to his lab, and his attentions turn upon the new assistants instead as they watch the city below. More specifically, on Professor Sycamore's newest assistant.

"How curious...you say they found you in the ocean. A shipwreck perhaps? But there weren't any news of such a disaster." Lysandre glances at Professor Sycamore, who nods, before continuing. "How much have you remembered since you started working with Augustine?"

"Not much," he admitted.

"He's very good with Pokemon," said Serena. "They really like him! I think he might be a Pokemon person."

But Lysandre's gaze is so fixated on him that Serena's words fall on deaf ears. He doesn't know what to make of Lysandre's intense interest in him, and he averts his eyes. "A true blank slate…" Lysandre muses. "Perhaps this the most perfect state of mankind. If you had a choice, wouldn't you rather stay this way forever?"

"Not particularly," he says, puzzled by Lysandre's reaction to his condition. There is nothing particularly pleasing about his inability to remember, he thinks. There's too much frustration and uncertainty in not knowing what should be innately known - himself.

(Professor Sycamore had called that an "existential crisis", but he still does not understand. Especially not after Professor Sycamore started rambling about Camus and different schools of existential philosophy. And entirely in French.)

Lysandre is still undeterred. "But you still have your innocence! That alone is worth a thousand kingdoms."

When he receives nothing but a blank stare, Lysandre just smiles like he knows something no one else does. "Youth is wasted on the young," he ultimately says before Professor Sycamore drags them outside for croquettes.

* * *

A/N: Apologies for the delay, who knew grad school can be demanding? Haha. Next chapter will finally have a Pokemon battle, and Serena learns his triggers are spinning tile puzzles and PCs. What's up with that.


End file.
